I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
