sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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