yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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