Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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