So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
