that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
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you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
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SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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