Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
