wat bout pragnant strippers??
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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