woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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