I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
