God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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