What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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