Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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