Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
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There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
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is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.