last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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