Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
