My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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