On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
