my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
