Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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