does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
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Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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