I cannot find my penis.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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