one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
