He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
