i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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