I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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