this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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