oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
