True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
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Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
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So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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