if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
