dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
