I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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