I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
