dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
