I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
