After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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