My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
