things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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