So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
