It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
