i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
