booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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