if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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