Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
