literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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