So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
