Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
