All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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