Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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