How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
