My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
