The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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