btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
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That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
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It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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