I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
