Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
