How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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