I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
