i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
